11.29.17



"How did I become this person? Well, every single wrong decision I made brought me to that point. It was because of the choices that I made."



I am more

I AM more. November 8th 2003, I was arrested for possession and distribution of drugs.
How did I get there? Great question. I had a great upbringing. Loving parents, farm life, great school memories, and small town life. I partied a little in High School and even more in college. I went to college for 2 years and then switched to cosmetology school. Life was good. I had a short marriage in my early 20’s and married again mid 20’s. The second marriage ended with violence. I came home to violence after going out with co-workers one night. I was punched in the sternum, hit the wall, and suffered a broken collarbone. The air was knocked out of me as I hit the ground. He tried to get me to talk, but I couldn’t, so he dragged me to the couch and my collarbone snapped again. My 4 year old son saw the whole thing. We lied for 4 days about what had happened. I was told that I had 5 days to report the truth. The 5th day, one of my closest friends dragged it out of me, and I reported it. He was arrested, a no-contact order followed and divorce. The police had given me a key factor that made my mind clear as to following thru. He told me that each time a person is violent to the same person, it gets worse and worse. `
At this point in time, I had 2 small children and my 2 jobs were as a stylist at a salon, and personal trainer/instructor at a local gym. I could not work for a month.
As time went on, I moved from our house to an apartment with the kids. Things were pretty ugly between us, as parents. I was so fearful that I couldn’t make it as a single mom. I didn’t understand how the person I loved could do this to me...to us. Why did this happen to me?
Working 2 jobs and raising 2 kids was stressful. I wasn’t offered any kind of counseling with what i had been thru, nor did I know I should have gotten any. I was just trying to survive. The nights I didn’t have my kids were lonely. Being all alone was what I dreaded. I began to go out to the bars and clubs with co-workers. We drank pretty heavy on those nights. One night, one of my friends offered me some drugs. She said it would give me energy. Why not? I was mentally still in so much pain from the loss of my marriage, one thing leads to another. From alcohol, to crank, to ecstasy, to cocaine. It didn't take long to realize that I could get a ton of things done and be super mom, if I were to do just a little at home. I had to appear to have a perfect life. I could put the kids to bed, do just a little bit, get my place spotless and all the bills taken care of in 1 night. Amazing! And in that time, I got to numb out what I was truly feeling. I was suffering from PTSD. I could numb out the shame I had of being divorced twice, and the shame I had that I failed another marriage. (Later on someone told me that I didn’t fail my marriage, my marriage failed.) Anyone who has done drugs before can tell you that the first time is the best, and you chase that high by doing more and more. It takes more and more each time. The addiction is strong. I learned next that if I bought a larger amount, then I could sell some for a higher price, and then mine would be free. That way, I wouldnt be taking money away from my family. So, I started selling to some friends. As time progressed, I met more and more people. I was introduced to my dealers-dealer. The game of the underground life had become an addiction as well. I was leading 2 different lives, the subburbon soccer mom, and the underground business minded user and dealer. Within a year, people were starting to realize that something wasn’t quite right. I was exhausted half of the time and irresponsible. I quit both of my jobs, and shortly after i was arrested. I was arrested with coke, meth, ecstasy, pot, baggies, scales, and a phone full of numbers. I was scared to death. I went to jail. I lost everything!
I didn’t understand how I had even become the person that i was. I was better than that. I was educated. I had a great childhood. How did I become this person? Well, every single wrong decision I made brought me to that point. It was because of the choices that I made. That’s the truth. I was the one who didn't seek out help after the abuse. I was the one who was so focused on trying to look perfect, that I became a total wreck.
I had 30 days in jail before I went to rehab. During that time, I decided to cut all negative ties. Thankfully, God had sent people to plant seeds in the previous years. At the time of my arrest, I had done my pastors hair for about a year. I had attended his church once a month. (There had even been times that I would stay up all night doing drugs on Saturday, then go to church Sunday morning.). My pastor came to visit me at the jail and asked what would help. I asked him to share in front of the congregation the truth of what had happened, and to ask them to write letters. Once I got out of jail I made church a priority. God truly saved me in that jail cell. He is so good. I had so many answered prayers while sitting in that cell, than I could ever have had outside of it. That’s how I know that I know, that my Savior loves me. I surrounded myself with positive people who were real. People who would hold me accountable and that I could be honest with.
I have now been drug-free for 14 years and somehow, still make poor choices now and then. I remarried several years ago and have 2 more kids. My spouse and I didn't drink for 10 years and one day we decided to celebrate some good things by getting drunk. We have now divorced and I quit drinking last Summer. I had almost forgotten about cross-addiction. When we hurt, we want to do anything but feel those painful feelings. But the only way to get better is to go thru the pain and not around it. I have done years of counseling and been in groups. Fitness and church have been a huge part of my sanity. Crossfit has been an excellent resource for health, gaining strength, perseverance, mental fitness, and accountability for me. I am working on being a better me, but i am still just one bad decision away from ruining it all.
Through all of this, I have gained a lot. I have gained deep friendships, mentored teens, spoken at retreats, held seats on committees and boards, opened a successful business, and realized that having problems is not a flaw. It’s how we react to them that can either help us or hinder us. I have 4 wonderful kids and amazing friends. I am a Christ follower. I have purpose. I am way less judgmental than I used to be. Every part of life is a blessing.
I am humble. I am human. I am not perfect. I am brave...I AM MORE!